So you think you want to get married?

Synopsis: A guide to the important things needed in a successful marriage. Having been single for over 12 years before I met and married my husband at the age of 34, my answer would have been an enthusiastic "YES"! But being married for coming up to 8 years, there are some aspects I wish I had prepared for or understood more clearly during my single days.

1. Selflessness - marriage is no place for selfish people! When you're first in the relationship or fantasizing about being romanced, you think you'll give anything to make your spouse happy or to support them. But when you're tired or doing other things that are important to you, will you be willing to put that to one side for the sake of your spouse? Are you someone that helps friends out or even your church when they need it, or do you think more about how much of an inconvenience it would be to you and look the other way? We are told to do to others what we expect them to do for us. Marriage is a partnership and we need to work together. It's not about you singular, it's about you two. When you have that in mind, it will help you to enjoy marriage all the more (as long as your not the only one making sacrifices). It might mean that there is something you do, like a habit that impacts negatively on your spouse. Are you going to carry on doing it knowing that it causes distress to them? Or would you give it up so your wife/husband has peace? The most successful marriages, in my opinion, are the ones where you take joy in meeting each other's needs, and you enjoy the benefits. This is the oneness spoken of in the Bible and it's a beautiful thing. I love this aspect of marriage!

2. Emotional Intelligence - how well do you manage your emotions in general? To what extent are you aware of the emotions of others and how does that affect your interactions with them? I know this sounds more like the outline of a work training session, but trust me, this is so important. It may be easier to manage our emotions in certain scenarios, but when you're married and living together, your spouse sees you in a way that no one else does; in a state of vulnerability that is incomparable to many other relationships and vice versa. If you have a problem with anger, or any other potentially destructive emotion, it can make marriage a joyless experience. I remember crying so much in my first year of marriage and I was not the kind of person that cried often beforehand! I was so shocked, but then I realized that I had never had a man on my case about needing to express my feelings. My husband was patient in the beginning but it started to become an issue; and I had to learn to be more open and express my feelings or just let him know I was still processing and would come back to him. Are you ready to be emotionally vulnerable and available? Can you invest your time, intellect, and emotions in the things that he or she cares about as well as in that person? When you're vulnerable and available to another person who still chooses to love you regardless, it's liberating and worth the occasional pain that can occur in the beginning. When you can manage that aspect of things in marriage, it's truly like being married to your bff! It's amazing!

3. Money - are you financially independent at least on your way there? Financial issues ain't sexy, let alone in marriage. Money problems are the second leading cause of divorce in America behind adultery. I read a very interesting article about finances in marriage. It details specific reasons and goes into more detail than I can here. But on to summarize, what is your attitude to money and what is your history? Do you have money saved up for your wedding? Are you financially independent? Are you paying off debts etc? I'm not saying you can't be married if you're in debt, but know that going into marriage when you're in a financial mess or where you haven't been honest or realistic about your financial status is almost setting it up for failure. You might be someone who doesn't like being told what to do with your hard-earned cash or reluctant to share that with your spouse. If that's the case, that might also be an indicator about your readiness for marriage. 

Of course there are other areas of consideration and preparation for marriage, but I hope that the above 3 points will give you food for thought and help you to assess to some degree whether you are ready to take the plunge when the right person comes along; and knowing that you're going to make a success of it come rain or shine.