Testimony

So here I find myself, writing to you on a rainy Wednesday afternoon, content and excited for what the future holds for me in God’s hand. It’s taking me years to get to this state of thinking and renewed mind, which is in process.

I feel free and I feel like why did I not surrender and obey God with my heart a long time ago! I would have saved myself some hurt; believe you me.It’s best that I be honest with you and share my testimony. The Bible does say that we overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. This message is going to be in parts so stay tuned. I think it's important to give you some background story of who I am and how I got to this point.

Whether you are a Christian or not, I would say if you are having relationship troubles like wondering where mr and mrs right are - then continue to read. I'm going to try and be as open with you as possible and I hope that whatever I went through can help you in your choices. Let me start off by saying what we have experienced in our youth can really affect us in our adult life. Most of the time we are not aware, and sometimes God in his infinite wisdom, raises these things up and brings them to our attention in order for us or Him to deal with them. This is to put it bluntly. 

But us being human, naturally we want to rebel from good. When painful past moments come to the surface, we want to it bury and cover them over - pretending we didn’t see or hear them. As a young girl I desperately wanted my Dad's affirmation, affection, and approval. However, he hardly showed any of these things. This is probably because he was most likely not shown any of this as he grew up. The conversations with my Dad from what I can remember was either being told off, or talked down to. But I really loved him and still do. When I was little my Dad symbolized someone big and strong, and who could protect us.

Fantasy-Lust-Escapism-Comfort

I was a chubby …. well a fat child. We used to play a game in the playground called kiss chase (any of you remember that?). I remember none of the boys wanting to kiss me. I was not popular. And even if they did want to kiss me they didn't dare because I was not one of the popular girls. I always used to scratch my head wondering why because I got along with a lot of the boys. I also was a confident child, and was known for being bossy and a little Madam. I think in hindsight I must’ve been an overbearing child because I experienced a lot of rejection which tampered and played with my confidence as a young adult. 

Throughout my childhood I constantly remember having crushes and infatuations with boys in school and in college.  To backtrack, my parents divorced during that time. My Mum suffered with cancer and also type one diabetes. I had seen the bad side of love in her life. My Dad dishonored her with affairs and aggression towards her talent. There was constant arguing.  Meanwhile I thought love was nice and kind ….. this is what we see on telly right? I was forever fantasizing about meeting Mr. Right, being very happy, and him being the answer to everything. Entertaining these thoughts certainly set me up for a harsh reality and heartbreak.

My first true love was at 16. I'm very ashamed to say that I gave my virginity away to an older man. I am very ashamed and disgusted at what I did but in my defense all I'll say is that the man lied about his age and was very manipulative.  I was also extremely naive. I really wish I didn't give away my virginity. I gave away something special to somebody who was definitely not worthy of me. 

Fast forward - I met my son’s father some years later as I was approaching my 20’s. I don't know what drew me to him. I just liked the fact that he was (in my definition back then) a true man. But that true man actually had pride and arrogance. Deep down I think I had something in my heart about not needing God and believing that I could do things myself, find Mr right myself, and become successful myself - which was in itself pride. During my relationship with my son’s father, I must say, was probably one of my most lonely seasons. I experienced a lot of soul-searching and a lot of desperately wanting this man to love me. I really threw myself at him, giving him everything. 

To Be Continued …..